A couple of weeks ago, I made up my mind that as soon as finals were over, I was going to kick the boyfriend out. Not that I wouldn’t love for him to go NOW, but I know that kicking him out will cause a really big, stressful scene, and I’d rather not have that at the end of the semester when I’m trying to get all my projects turned in and study for finals and such. I ended up trying to get him out before my self-imposed deadline, and it was disastrous.

The other day was horrible. It was a Thursday. I had C class that night, and the first part of my P class final exam the following morning. That afternoon I had a severely upset stomach. In between bouts in the bathroom, I spent the afternoon curled up in bed with one of my pets, feeling physically miserable and not studying.

Now, the boyfriend does not like having pets in the bed. Now, while I’ve had pets in my bed all of my life, I know and understand that this is not something that everybody does. The boyfriend is one of those people who is opposed to pets in the bed. So, I keep the pets out of the bed when he’s in it, and when I’m in the bed alone, I keep the pets on my side. I think that’s a pretty fair compromise.

Anyway, so there I was in bed, having really painful stomach cramps, holding the feline and trying not to cry. The boyfriend knew I was sick. He also knows that my pets are very important to me. Anyway, he came into the bedroom and ordered (!) me to get the animal out of the bed, and I told him no. He stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. I fell asleep, holding my pet.

I woke up and had to leave to go to C class. He was sitting on the couch, drinking and playing video games. I was not feeling particularly friendly, but I said, “I’m going to C class” to which he replied, “I don’t care what you do.” I just picked up my things and walked out. I didn’t want to have a fight right before going to C class for my final review.

I came home from C class, and he was still drinking and still playing video games. I didn’t say anything, just microwaved something for dinner, and went into my study room to study for part 1 of my P exam. He cranked the volume up on the TV *and* put on headphones and began shouting the lyrics to bad rap songs. I couldn’t study at all because of the noise, but didn’t want to go out in the living room, so I just stayed locked inside the study room. Eventually he decided to go and buy more beer. Joy. As soon as he left, I locked the screen door and took my stuff into the bedroom and locked myself in. Of course, the “lock” on the screen door was easy for him to pry open and he was very angry when he came in… especially when he found that I’d locked myself inside the bedroom.

I could hear him out in the living room cussing and banging stuff around, and finally he said, “Are you going to come out here and talk to me, or are you going to stay in there and be an asshole?” Now that I think about this, remembering what a friend who’s been through a similar situation told me, that was probably the specific kind of statement to get me to come out of the bedroom… it really pissed me off. *I* was the asshole? Seriously? So I went storming out. I was so furious I was crying and shaking and shouting. He was going on and on about how he had only ever asked me for one thing, no pets in the bed, and how he just bends over backwards for me, and I just walk all over him, and won’t even do this one little thing, blah, blah, blah. I pointed out that he had been walking all over me for months, that he constantly tells me what to do and how to live and never does anything to support us financially, and all he does is drink and play video games, etc, etc. And then I told him (for the umpteenth time) that I didn’t love him and wanted him to move out, that I wanted to be single, to live alone, and to be able to have my animals in the bed whenever I wanted.

Of course, as soon as I brought kicking him out into the mix, he immediately changed his tune: he loved me so much, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he couldn’t live without me, he would do anything to make me happy, blah, blah. I countered all of that with nice logical arguments for the longest time, sticking firm to my, “I don’t love you and I want you to move out mantra.” But he just kept at me and at me over and over and over… and it was getting later and later, and I knew I had part 1 of my P final at 8am the following morning, and meanwhile, I was hysterical, had a splitting headache and had not studied any. Finally I decided that I needed to go to bed, or else my P grade would suffer even more, so I just went to bed. He followed me to bed, but I made it clear that I was going to sleep and that there wasn’t going to be any cuddling or screwing around.

I had to take two Excedrin for my headache, and of course, Excedrin contains caffeine… so it took me FOREVER to fall asleep. Meanwhile, the boyfriend was out like a light within minutes. I finally fell asleep, but had to get up a handful of hours later to go take part one of the P exam. I thought I totally bombed it, considering how exhausted I was and how I hadn’t studied, although I got my grade back on it and it turns out I did pretty well. No idea how!

I decided that if the boyfriend wanted to pretend that nothing had happened, I would go along with that until after my last exam (part 2 of the P final, which is Wednesday at 8am), and then try again. The problem is that I don’t think he will go, no matter what I say.

I do not understand this behavior at all. I have been in two relationships in my life where I truly believed I was in love (maybe *I* was, the dude in each instance wasn’t, apparently). Both times when I was dumped, I was miserable. Hysterical. But I was miserable and hysterical because I knew it was over. If a guy tells me, “I don’t love you, I love X person,” or even a simple, “I’m sorry, I just don’t love you,” as painful as that is to hear, as soon as I have heard these things, I have accepted that the relationship is over. Both times this has happened to me I still had feelings for the guys involved, it wasn’t like I could just stop loving them… but I certainly didn’t just keep throwing myself at them, refusing to leave.

Anyway, I know from experience what will happen when I tell him to get out. I know because we’ve been over it and over it. My mom tells me, “Why don’t you tell him this or that or the other?” except that I have told him this, that *and* the other and he hasn’t left.

The only way (in this state, anyway) to get someone out of a property you own is to go to the Magistrate’s Court and file a notice of eviction. (We learned this when a guy my mom had been paying to work on one of her properties began squatting there and wouldn’t leave.) I think that the only way I can get him out is to first tell him that I want him to leave, and that if he doesn’t go voluntarily, *I* will leave, then file an eviction notice and get a restraining order… Then, if he doesn’t go voluntarily, actually leave and file the orders.

Sounds like a great plan… except there are two problems: Where do I go? and What do I do with my animals? These two problems are inextricably linked, since if I had no animals, I could go anywhere. Additionally, I have numerous things scheduled in the area over the upcoming that are very important, which I *must* do. As such, I can’t go too far from the city where I live. He knows where my mom lives and where her other two properties are, so it’s not like those would be secret locations. Plus, I have 16 animals at the house; 12 feline and 4 canine. One of the canines could stay with my mom. I could put the injured feline that is in my bathroom in my mom’s spare bathroom. Unfortunately, since my mother has something like 19 felines and 6 canines at her house, that’s as many as she could take. The others would either have to go with me or be left behind. I don’t think the boyfriend would do anything to the animals, although I know he wouldn’t feed them or clean up after them. Also, there are 3 in particular (one feline and two small canines) that I would be really concerned about leaving there without me to take care of them.

So that leaves me with the thought that I could go *somewhere* with the two small canines and the one feline, and get my mom to go over to the house to feed and clean the remaining critters. I literally couldn’t take the 3 animals to her house, as there really isn’t room for them, so that rules out her house. I don’t know that many people in the area, and none who could accept me and the 3 critters.

I had thought about campingat a nearby state park, which has electric hookups, showers and allows pets. I could stay in mom's van, plug in a space heater, and be fine, but it's $23 a day and I am poor. So then I thought that perhaps I could crate up the three beasts somehow and lock them in her office, and sleep over there, even though that would be very difficult and not a secret location… but…

So that’s where I am now. I’m back to thinking seriously about camping in my mom’s van with 2-3 canines and a feline. Suggestions?

In case you don't read comments...

...well, you should. I won't always take the time (or have the time) to do this. But, as recent updates have appeared in the comment section of the previous post, and as I know not everyone takes the time to read the comment sections... here you go:

Anonymous said...
Wait, correct me if I understood this wrong, but didn't said friend get fired? And isn't your ex-boss also now your friend's ex-boss? And in that case why is she sending angry, screamy text messages to someone who no longer has anything to do with her? I suppose the answer to that could be as simple as "because she's a psycho," but I mean I find that to be REALLY psycho and almost more plausible that I'm misunderstanding the situation... Ruv, your ronery friend
September 18, 2009 8:41 AM

anonymity said...
Hi ronery friend :)Nope, you totally understand the situation correctly - she is now the friend's ex-boss and is nonetheless sending screamy texts which have since escalated into threatening (as in saying things like, "You don't want this to get ugly") - anyway, friend and I have shown all our text messages to the board of directors, who seem to be considering firing her. Finally! Also, the vice president of the board asked me if I would be willing to come back and work part time if the ex-boss were fired.
September 18, 2009 4:24 PM

Anonymous said...
Well that's good news that tbe BOD is taking it seriously. Maybe they will give you her job! Sounds like a real psycho so watch your back!And I am glad that the BF told the ex-boss, his mom, to leave you alone and she is complying. But as for him earning points and things in that area looking up - does it really matter if he earns points if you don't love him and when he drinks don't even like him? The problem with an alcoholic is not that they drink, but who they become when they do, and that they can't stop and their promises mean othing, and they are not dependable, and all of their promises and words mean nothing because the alcohol ALWAYS wins! THey don't want it to, but it does. Because that's the disease. Just like a diabetic could promise you that they will control their sugar levels and then be completely helpless to do so.
September 19, 2009 2:25 PM

Anonymous said...
Wow, that is really great news that the board at least seems to be made of sane people. Props to you and your friend, and to the board! ~ronery
September 20, 2009 2:11 PM

anonymity said...
Anonymous - ugh, I know. Things have, for the most part, been really good between us recently, although I know it won't last. Also, this is the last time I ever live with anyone... because it's so much trouble trying to get them the hell out!Ronery - The board is made of sane people, although I'm not entirely sure how competent they are. I'm pretty sure most of them got on the board (they got a new BOD in March) so they could tell people they were on the board, not so they could do much. They've received plenty of information from employees and complaints from the public over the past 6 months, that you'd think they would've done something by now. There have been several times we've all thought "This is it, they'll have to fire her now" and then they don't... so I don't know. I would like to think something will happen now, but I'll believe it when I see it!
September 21, 2009 6:14 AM

Anonymous said...
I also hope everything goes well with the board. The whole non-disclosure agreement thing bugs me. I don't know anything about the law, but I can't imagine a NDA covers illegal activity. It also seems that an organization which operates almost entirely on public funds should go out of its way to be transparent. Pollyanish thought, I know.
September 21, 2009 7:01 AM

anonymity said...
Legally, it doesn't cover keeping one's mouth shut about illegal activity (whistle-blowers are protected!) although she likes to tell people that it covers EVERYTHING, and tells people that saying anything to anyone can result in arrest. Plus, the people who still work there really can't afford to lose their jobs, so either way, they wouldn't say anything. Another creepy thing, the director tried to tell us that signing the NDA also meant that we were not allowed to talk to the board! What BS.
September 21, 2009 7:57 AM

If you are reading this and know who I am, please do NOT use my name in any comments you may leave. I wish to remain anonymous. I just feel the need to get this out there and maybe get some advice.

I’m living with an alcoholic, whom I do not love and for whom active feelings of dislike are starting to fester. In the past I’d wondered why people I knew stayed in relationships with people who were alcoholics or who were abusive or who they really just didn’t mesh with. I didn’t understand why they didn’t just end things. Now that it’s happening to me, I guess I understand it a little more. Or I understand that perhaps “understanding” why people behave the way they do in these situations is impossible. I’ve gotten angry and tried to kick him out, and I’ve gotten upset and told him to leave, and I’ve been calm and rational and told him that I don’t love him and would like him to go. And every time he somehow manages to talk me into letting him stay, into giving him one more chance. Manipulative, that’s what he is. I am sick of him promising that it’s the last time he’s going to get drunk and be an asshole. I need to get him out of my house and out of my life and yet every time I am 100% sure that I am going to do it, he talks me out of it.

Wednesday he sent me a text message (!) saying that we needed to talk later that night, because he loved me so much but felt that I didn’t love him. I figured this was finally it – I’d tell him that I didn’t love him, and he would leave. But then we talked. I told him that he was right; I didn’t love him. I told him that when he drank, I didn’t even *like* him. He cried. He begged me to let him stay, to just try and make things work. He promised he would do whatever it took to keep me in his life. And I caved. Then last night, I came home from class to find him completely hammered and reeking of alcohol. At least he recognized that what he had done was a problem (previous times he hadn’t), and admitted that he was drunk (previous times he hadn’t). He said he was sorry, he couldn’t help it, but that he had been drinking and had gotten drunk. He said that he knew he had a drinking problem and wanted to quit, and promised that this would be the last time he would ever drink anything alcoholic... After he finished the 40oz he had just cracked open. Yeah. I argued with him, saying that if he meant it, he would throw the 40oz out then and there, and he refused... although he kept insisting that this was the last time, and that I would never see him drinking anything ever again, if I would please give him just one more chance. When I pointed out that he had made this exact same promise to me *several* times within the past two months, his response was, “but this time I really mean it.” There’s no point in arguing with someone when he/she is drunk before I tried kicking him out again. I figured I’d wait until I got home this evening... I want him gone. I want my house back, I want my life back, but I just can’t seem to stand my ground and get him out of there. I’m completely set to do it until he starts working on me, and then no matter what I want, no matter what my mind is screaming at me to say, to do, I end up saying and doing the opposite. And I don’t understand my behavior at all. All I know is that I am miserable.

Honestly, if my mother hadn’t just paid for a semester’s worth of classes for me, I think I would just pack up and leave the country in the middle of the night. As it is, I carry my passport with me everywhere I go, in case one day I simply cannot take it any more.

Oh, and just to complicate matters: His mother used to be my boss. That was rather stressful because I couldn’t bitch about my boyfriend at work, nor could I bitch about my job while at home. Not to mention that she is crazy and incompetent, and most likely quite dishonest. Anyway, a month ago, I quit working to go back to school full time. But the work that my boyfriend promised he had didn’t materialize, and the only school related job that I could get gives me about 8 hours a week at minimum wage. Anyway, dude’s mom calls me today to tell me that she had to fire my replacement for being incompetent (which I could’ve told her; she was NOT one of my favorites from the applicants), and could I come in a couple of days a week? So, I’m back to working at a job I hate, at a place I hate, for a boss I don’t like, who is the mother of the guy I’m trying to get to move out of my life...