The boyfriend is going out of state today. He'll be gone for a couple of weeks. The main reason he is leaving is that he has a court date later this week, as a result of him getting arrested the last time he went out of state. Yeah. He's also planning on working up there for a few weeks.
Now, most of you who I've given this link to know me, and those of you who don't at least know me "virtually" through my other blog and through facebook, and perhaps you've picked up on the fact that I am VERY non-confrontational.
Changing the locks while he is gone seems incredibly bitchy. Also, since he won't be taking most of his stuff with him by a long shot, I would have to arrange for his mother (my scary ex-boss) to come and collect his things.
Thoughts?
I asked my mother about this. She seems to think it's a bad idea, and that I should just be honest with him and tell him to go... although she also knows that I *have* been honest with him and I *have* told him to leave.... Grrr.
8 comments:
Before he leaves, politely ask him to take his things with him or store them at his mother's house. You could even say you're getting it sprayed for termites or something (why should you be the only honest one?). He'll probably refuse, or say he'll do it and then not, but don't bother arguing about it. After he leaves, pack his things up--only his stuff but ALL of his stuff--and take it to his mother's house when she's at work (since you know her hours). You could even leave a note ("He left these things at my house by mistake"). Then don't pick up your phone for the rest of the night. Oh, and change the locks. And you could call the local non-emergency number (usually 311) and ask the police to cruise by your house occasionally for the next few weeks or so as some people do when they're out of town.
Good luck!
If you've told him to go then he should go. I'm sure one of his friends could take him in for a bit wha'll he looks for a place to stay so no foul there. As long as you've done what you can to make him understand how you feel and what you want then you may need to take more extreme measures. Either way you should get his stuff out of the house. I would recommend calling the mother and having her pickup his stuff from your front porch or you could drop it off at her house. Eventualy this will turn into a conflict and its up to you to decide how long your willing to endure it. Your either miserable with your confrontation for a little bit or your miserable with your situation for as long as your in it.
The thing is, I have asked him to leave before, and he has managed to somehow talk me out of it. I thought about asking him again this afternoon, but I didn't want to get into a fight and be all upset before my evening class. I was thinking I might have the locks changed and then either call him or send him a text (or is that too chicken?) and arrange to have his mom come get his things. I don't want to have anything to do with his mother, but I was thinking that I might put all his stuff on my front porch and ask MY mother to be there when his mom comes to pick it up. I don't know. At the same time, he was going on and on about how he was going to miss me so much and even though he hadn't left yet, he already missed me and couldn't wait to get back... I feel really bad that the end result of this is going to hurt him.
Well, I understand your position, but I think I agree with your mom. Particularly, if things have been going "well" between the two of you, I'm not sure what the reaction would be like when he gets back to find himself locked out and all of his stuff gone.
Ultimately, there is no way to avoid a confrontation. My guess is it will be less ugly if you do it before he goes. Yes, I know he has talked you out of kicking him out before. But you are an intelligent, independent, rational person, and I know if you resolve yourself to this being it, this will be it. Tell him either he can remove his belongings or you will do it for him. As I've suggested before, I don't think you should be alone with him when you have this conversation.
And the arrest thing... did that just happen *last month* when he was out of town? Was it a DUI? I apologize in advance if that is asking for too specific information.
Yes, I agree, do it before he leaves that way he is not supprised when he returns. This confrentation is going to happen eventually. It seems that you have had an up and down relationship with him for a while now and unless you can genuinely see the relationship changing for the better then your just going to continue in a circle of disappointment. When this does happen yes, have your mother there to help keep the waters smooth with his move. This will be a hard thing for you to do, but I hate to see you in a hurtful relationship. It's all for the best and I belive you know it or you wouldent have put it on this page. You need to do whats right for you.
change the damn locks and send the idiot an email. you've lived through some shit too and are still functional. he'll probably drink himself silly and then get over it. if you want to "give him a chance" the email you send him while he's out of town could say "i'm taking the tough love route, and i've moved your stuff to your mom's, and the locks at my house have been changed. i will not answer when you call or respond to your emails until you have been 100% sober for x amount of time. that is the only way you will convince me that i am more important to you than booze." kind of cold, yes, but he probably won't make it sober anyway, but then he has only himself to blame.
I would say tell him you want to end it and that he shouldmove his stuff. He won't believe you b/c you've said it before, and he won't take his stuff. THen you should pack it all up and put it somewhere other than at your house (at your mom's, in your garage if you have one). Then tell him what you have done and that you are happy to arrange a time for him to get it but that you won't be there. DON"T answer his phone calls. DON"T involve his mother.
I WOULD say all of that, but there is a legal issue here. He lives with you. Therefore that is his home. Therefore he has a right to be there. If you want himout and he refuses to leave, you have no legal recourse, excpe to start the eviction process. Now I KNOW that sounds ABSURD because I've been there. How does he have any such rights if he doesn't pay rent, its not his house, there is no lease, etc. BUT HE DOES. I was shocked!!!! My sister, who you know, told me all of this when I was trying to get my ex out and I didn't believe it until I researched it. It was confirmed again later when my OTHER sister's crazy boyfriend stayed with my mom for a few weeks (taking care of my brother). WHen he went nutso and the police were called, the police said they coudln't remove him because he lived there as was evidenced by him having a few clothes and toothbrush there and a piece of mail he had received there. The police said they would try to conince him to take his stuff and leave on his own (which he finally did) but they coudln't remove him.
So, you're in apickle. Youc an't jsut change the locks. You have to convince him to take his stuff, or begin the eviction process. It sucks right????
In my situation with my ex, I finally convinced him to leave by telling him I thought we needed some space and time apart and that he should go stay with his friend. I DID tell him I was through with the relationship, but of course he didn't believe me since I had said that before manyt imes and like you felt bad and let him stay. But whether he believed me or not was irrelevant. He packed up a bag with most of his stuff and left. Then he no longer lived there! I changed the locks, put his few remaining things in teh garage, and told him a time to come and get it. He was more than happy to do so because he thought he would see me and worm his way back in yet again. Instead I was not there and told him his stuff was in the garage, the garage was unlocked and take whatever he wnated (at that point I didn't caer if he stole every last thing in my garage as long as he got out of my house, stopped making me miserable every single day, and gave me my life back.
He still called for months and sent e-mails. Sometimes he loved me so much, sometimes I was the worst person in the world (which was more effective b/c I would get mad and respond about how I wasn't the worst person in the wrold). FINALLY he left me along after I stopped responding to any calls or e-mails. You have a long process aheadof you, but you have to start it at some point. I have now been in my new relationship for over a year and am happy - most days. So there is hope :-)
I never heard the thing about him officially living in your house even though he doesn't pay rent or anything (is that a state thing, maybe? I have to bring the deed to my house to get a freaking parking pass in this state!). At any rate, I think you can be confident that he probably doesn't know that and you certainly should be the one to tell him!
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