If you are reading this and know who I am, please do NOT use my name in any comments you may leave. I wish to remain anonymous. I just feel the need to get this out there and maybe get some advice.
I’m living with an alcoholic, whom I do not love and for whom active feelings of dislike are starting to fester. In the past I’d wondered why people I knew stayed in relationships with people who were alcoholics or who were abusive or who they really just didn’t mesh with. I didn’t understand why they didn’t just end things. Now that it’s happening to me, I guess I understand it a little more. Or I understand that perhaps “understanding” why people behave the way they do in these situations is impossible. I’ve gotten angry and tried to kick him out, and I’ve gotten upset and told him to leave, and I’ve been calm and rational and told him that I don’t love him and would like him to go. And every time he somehow manages to talk me into letting him stay, into giving him one more chance. Manipulative, that’s what he is. I am sick of him promising that it’s the last time he’s going to get drunk and be an asshole. I need to get him out of my house and out of my life and yet every time I am 100% sure that I am going to do it, he talks me out of it.
Wednesday he sent me a text message (!) saying that we needed to talk later that night, because he loved me so much but felt that I didn’t love him. I figured this was finally it – I’d tell him that I didn’t love him, and he would leave. But then we talked. I told him that he was right; I didn’t love him. I told him that when he drank, I didn’t even *like* him. He cried. He begged me to let him stay, to just try and make things work. He promised he would do whatever it took to keep me in his life. And I caved. Then last night, I came home from class to find him completely hammered and reeking of alcohol. At least he recognized that what he had done was a problem (previous times he hadn’t), and admitted that he was drunk (previous times he hadn’t). He said he was sorry, he couldn’t help it, but that he had been drinking and had gotten drunk. He said that he knew he had a drinking problem and wanted to quit, and promised that this would be the last time he would ever drink anything alcoholic... After he finished the 40oz he had just cracked open. Yeah. I argued with him, saying that if he meant it, he would throw the 40oz out then and there, and he refused... although he kept insisting that this was the last time, and that I would never see him drinking anything ever again, if I would please give him just one more chance. When I pointed out that he had made this exact same promise to me *several* times within the past two months, his response was, “but this time I really mean it.” There’s no point in arguing with someone when he/she is drunk before I tried kicking him out again. I figured I’d wait until I got home this evening... I want him gone. I want my house back, I want my life back, but I just can’t seem to stand my ground and get him out of there. I’m completely set to do it until he starts working on me, and then no matter what I want, no matter what my mind is screaming at me to say, to do, I end up saying and doing the opposite. And I don’t understand my behavior at all. All I know is that I am miserable.
Honestly, if my mother hadn’t just paid for a semester’s worth of classes for me, I think I would just pack up and leave the country in the middle of the night. As it is, I carry my passport with me everywhere I go, in case one day I simply cannot take it any more.
Oh, and just to complicate matters: His mother used to be my boss. That was rather stressful because I couldn’t bitch about my boyfriend at work, nor could I bitch about my job while at home. Not to mention that she is crazy and incompetent, and most likely quite dishonest. Anyway, a month ago, I quit working to go back to school full time. But the work that my boyfriend promised he had didn’t materialize, and the only school related job that I could get gives me about 8 hours a week at minimum wage. Anyway, dude’s mom calls me today to tell me that she had to fire my replacement for being incompetent (which I could’ve told her; she was NOT one of my favorites from the applicants), and could I come in a couple of days a week? So, I’m back to working at a job I hate, at a place I hate, for a boss I don’t like, who is the mother of the guy I’m trying to get to move out of my life...
3 comments:
It's a little hard to give any new or insightful advice because it seems that you already know what you need to do. I have never been in this exact situation, but I have been in bad relationships that I knew full well were hurting me. Like you, I put off the inevitable. Sometimes the inertia and drama of the situation make it hard to do what one knows needs to be done.
Having never met your BF, I can't make any comments about what kind of person he is. I don't think being an alcoholic automatically makes someone bad. However, that doesn't mean you should feel obligated to tolerate the him. Is it possible that you are allowing yourself to be manipulated because you feel sorry for him? It's obvious that he has problems, and though you don't love him, it is tough to 'abandon' someone who is in a difficult situation. It's also nice to hear someone say they love you and beg you not to go even when you don't share the same feelings. I imagine this is especially true living in a newish town where you don't know that many people.
Nonetheless, you know what needs to be done. I guess my advice for actually doing the dirty work is don't do it alone. I admit that it is a little weird, but when you kick him out, it might be a good idea to have someone there with you. Call a relative or a friend- or several of each- to be there with you. As I have expressed to you before, my foremost concern is your physical safety. He may also be less likely to make a scene if he has an audience. You will definitely be less likely to cave in to a scene if you have an audience.
I know it's never the same when it is you, but keep in mind how you would advise a close friend or family member in the same situation. We love you as much as you love us. You know we'd deserve better, and so do you. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do
to help.
I have some experience in this area, as my father is an alcoholic and my parents are very co-dependent. My mom is a caretaker-type who basically has kept my father from ever hitting bottom. Between the two of them, I feel we were pretty neglected as kids, as they were too involved with their own disaster to bother to be parents to their children.
I also had a relationship with at least one woman who was a serious alcoholic. She had an anxiety problem and self-medicated with alcohol. Mixture of closet drinker (vodka) with public drinking in socially "normal" situations. Bailed her out of jail twice in the middle of the night. I flashed on this when I heard about the arrest, actually.
So, that's some background.
All I can say is be tough. "Tough-love" if you care for the person, or just plain old tough if there is nothing else there. Alcoholics and abusers will play you out .. instinctively .. for as long as you let them (I cite my parents as example).
It's rough, I've been there. You like to think of yourself as a nice and reasonable person, even kind or generous. You have caretaker inside of you, you like doing things for others, being depended upon.
Time to cut that shit out in this case, and put those energies and caring into someone that can return it to you in kind. Pack his shit up into boxes and leave it on the driveway. Have family or friends there when he arrives, make sure he gets his stuff, gives his keys, and gets out. If it makes you feel better, let him know it is about his drinking. He won't clean up his act (he has family propping him up, it seems to me). If he doesn't get the message and comes back, get the cops involved.
I hope I don't sound harsh, but I think that is the situation. ~W
Ok, so I just read this first post after leaving a comment on a later post about my own horrible experience with an alcoholic.
Just because alcoholism is a disease doesn't make an alcoholic any less of a raging asshole. You're a caretaker: you feel deep sadness for less fortunate creatures and do everything you can to protect and nurture them. I get it, really. And you're also intelligent enough to see what's going on here: that he's never going to change (seriously, he's not. He probably couldn't if he wanted to, and he doesn't want to), that he manipulates you, that he abuses you and exploits your generosity. I think you honestly also know that he only "admitted" to being an alcoholic as a concession so you wouldn't be so mad at him and would "give him just one more chance."
Ugh. Sorry, I'm getting upset writing this because I swear I dated the same exact guy. Do they have a fucking chat room or club somewhere where they compare tactics on how to take advantage of trusting, intelligent, compassionate women? Do they keep note cards so they can memorize what to say when? Exactly when to turn on the tears, when to say "just one more chance" or "no one's ever going to love you like I do," or "you're my angel, I'm so lucky to have you, don't leave me?"
Please, honey, you CAN get away from this. You CAN get to a point where you look back on this in disgust. You CAN remove him from your life. And the people around you will help in any way they can, I'm certain.
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